Therapy is a lot like cooking. Reflections on the tools in my “Thera-Pantry” By Margaret Whitehair

Therapy is a lot like cooking. Reflections on the tools in my “Thera-Pantry”

By Margaret Whitehair

Being a therapist is similar to being a chef. I find myself using food as a handy reference for visuals and concepts in sessions with my clients. We all need to eat. Some of us cook, and some people are great chefs. I often use cooking and food as a metaphor for the therapeutic processes. I have to admit, I think I am a much better “chef” in a therapist’s office than in the real kitchen.

1. Your energy is like pizza at a party.

I often refer to pizzas and parties. For example, you can cut the pizza 18 ways or 6 ways, but it is still the same pizza. The slices will be a different size, but the pizza does not get bigger just because you cut it into more pieces. We all have been at that party. Or being the host, feeling like you didn’t order enough pizza for the party. Something has got to give. do you invite fewer people? Do you change the type of party? Are you OK with giving yourself a tiny, tiny slice of pizza? Would your kids be satisfied? I use this referring to energy.

How much energy do you have today? Are you cutting your pizza into 18 or 6 slices? Do you have enough for 6 good slices, and are somehow expecting the pizza to magically create 18 fulfilling slices? This is not unlike the “spoons” reference, as a way to communicate about your mental and emotional state when dealing with chronic/emotional conditions. But there is something very real about the experience of getting a tiny little slice of pizza. It is very frustrating.

So, is your pizza a medium-sized pizza today? Great. So, how many slices would you want to have? How many slices do you want your guests to have? How many people can you really invite to this pizza party?

2. Mindfulness and minestrone.

“Stirring the soup”- A way of working on mindfulness and pause before emotional reactions.

When things get moved around, from a session the things that have settled at the bottom start moving upwards with the momentum of the soup.

There is a little bit of celery. Notice the carrot floating by; this is now a minestrone with different parts and things floating around. This is a good thing. You don’t go “ Oh no! There is a carrot! This is crazy, disgusting!”, you know what the ingredients are, and you expect that if you move stuff around, you will see some of the ingredients, and you notice them.

Maybe you forgot about the carrot… ah, how did that get in there? Notice the reaction. Do we dump out the soup? We don’t pour out all the soup. We don’t stop making the soup.

Sometimes we will disturb the thing before it settles before it simmers too long. What kind of soup are we making?… “So how did you get disciplined as a child when you’ve poured out all the soup?” Some reflections could help. “I have noticed some anger here and there when we talk about that time in your life.”… Is that question making the soup boil in a rolling boil? Is it time for the therapist to adjust the temperature to a low medium for the remainder of the time?

3. Merengues and souffles, a light-handed approach.

Sometimes my approach is more related to a gentle spatula, incorporating the fluffed egg whites with the cream. Gently, slowly, and mindfully not to flatten the delicately fluffed egg whites. “I see, yes, that makes a lot of sense. The situation was delicate.” That is way too much sugar. Yes, the people-pleasing tendency and fawning are trauma responses. You want the merengues to be just sweet enough.

These Cheetos make a balanced dish, wouldn't you say?

4. Breakfast, bri-nner, li-nner, brunch, why not?

Sometimes you scramble the crap out of the eggs, to make sure they are integrated, you know these eggs are ready to be an omelet. They are ready to become their next best thing. They just need some movement and motivation. Sometimes you need a little vinegar to make the eggs poached… Gently formed. Yes, it is hard to know you can show up that way sometimes in relationships. Understandable that you feel defensive when he says this. But, also, what would you do when this comes up? Exactly. Vinegar.

5. Sauces and reductions, time and patience.

The balsamic reduction comes in handy more often than I would imagine. You just want to let it reduce, simmer, slowly, and intensify. This is like progress in therapy; it feels like nothing is happening at first. It takes time, and you want to trust the process.

Or maybe things boil too quickly,

The therapist needs to know what the right amount of heat this issue requires, so as not to burn the bottom of the pan. But also enough heat to support the process.” What do you think caused that? Where is that coming from? Interesting..”

“What makes you say that? The intensity and identity of this flavor, this person’s self, is slowly becoming the best balsamic reduction it can be. The person puts everything in the pot; this is not a refined process, but then the slow heat and time, taking the time to explore these things, makes some sort of magic. How did you end up with a delicious meal, after seemingly doing nothing? Therapy.

I like to think of theories and perspectives as ingredients. As a therapist, I know what is in my pantry. I know the tools I have in my drawers. I am often “getting new tools and ingredients” as training and CEUs, and impulsive CEUs and trainings. I need that spatula, that beautiful turquoise spatula for this recipe. So, I signed up for another training.

6. Essential Tools and the walk-in pantry.

At the end of the day, you can have the latest Instant Pot or the latest blue Le Creuset, and all the best tools. But, if you do not have the “magic”, that ineffable thing that makes “mom’s cooking” or the “old family recipe” taste the way it does, that “thing”, then therapy will still be food, but it won’t taste the same.

In some way, you need to know how to do both, follow the basic recipes, and make up new recipes with basic ingredients. I use a little EMDR here, some art therapy there, a little bit of DBT, some positive affirmations, and mindfulness. I adjust the temperature. I don’t follow a recipe exactly at this point. Step by Step? Motivational interviewing? Sure, I took the training, but I know what salt does to a dish. I know what lemons taste like. So, I think and feel, do I want them to purse their lips? Or just have a hint of that other flavor to pop?

Sometimes, I will find something unexpected but perfect in my “therapy pantry”, like a meme I saved 8 months ago because it reminded me of a client’s struggle, so I will add it. Does this now need 2 tsps of EMDR? No, I know this recipe needs 4 teaspoons. Everyone needs a little more of that. One more BLS set. Yes, go with that.

7. Salt, fat, acid, heat?

Sometimes we have to let the thing settle in the fridge overnight and take it up the following week. It will hold its shape if you wait. Sometimes waiting and letting things cool down helps with things “not falling apart”. What did we make? Is this a Jell-O mold? Oh no, just a seven-layer dip. I can’t wait to get into that.

Where do we start? So your mom is Latin but from Costa Rica? Yes, they love sour cream. Are you lactose intolerant now? Ok, that makes sense. Yes, the salsa has to go on the side, cause everyone has different spice tolerance. Of course, you tolerate the spice. Oh, it gives you heartburn now, but you still love it?

What would happen if you opted to use the salsa in moderation? How did your family manage moderation? Did you all eat it together at the table? Or was there a moderation conversation, but then everyone put way too much on their plate and way too much salsa? Oh, they wondered why they had indigestion. Interesting.

Do you know why you have indigestion? Didn’t you say you were lactose intolerant before? Oh, you like very spicy salsa? Right. I am sorry, but our time is up. Don’t forget to journal and get some outside time.

So moderation… what would that look like? Can everyone make their 7-layer dip? Ooh, a buffet. Yes, this way you can choose what to put and not put on your plate. People will have their feelings about what you put on your plate, but that is OK. They don’t get to choose what you put on your plate. Yes, your plate is smaller today. Oh, her plate is always bigger? Ah. What would happen if everyone had the same plate? I know you feel like you should have a bigger plate. The oldest kids often do. The baby always gets the best plate again. Well, I seem to remember you didn’t want dessert? Isn’t that interesting? You did not want dessert, but now that Johnny had the last piece, you wanted more. How will you set the table when you make the meal? Our time is up today.

8. Allergies? Food sensitivities? Family dynamic intolerance?

So, in our last session, we sort of established the layers of the dip. I wonder how all the flavors work together? Is this like a turducken type of experience? Or more like a lasagna? Oh, you are allergic to wheat. I understand. Your Dad was too? Interesting. Oh, but his favorite dessert was donuts?

Ok, so yes, almond flour could help. I know, tapping and brainspotting are similar, not quite the same as EMDR, but they do a good job. Similar but different. You get used to it. Exactly, like Oatmilk, almond milk… exactly.

Oh! Non-dairy cheese in pizza? I understand, it is not the same. But, sure, you can have “faux-sadillas”. Step-parents? Yes, not all of them are cashew cheese.

Truffle oil. Right, yes, well, it is used, and hard to find, but if it works for you and you love it. It is an amazing taste. Yes, there is an entire community of people who love truffles. If you write that down in your Psychology Today criteria, the truffle-loving community will find you. They will.